BLOG POST #18 : SCREAMING

IT IS TWO DAYS BEFORE THIS GOD FORSAKEN WEBSITE NEEDS TO BE FINISHED AND I CANNOT EVEN. I HATE WORDPRESS. I HATE THIS SITE. I HATE DOMAIN OF ONE’S OWN. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE EVERYTHING. OF COURSE THE SITE WOULD UPDATE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION AND EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. I BARELY KNEW HOW TO DO THINGS BEFORE AND NOW I HAVE EVEN LESS OF A CLUE. I AM DONE. I CAN’T EVEN ANYMORE. WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN NOW? IF YOU NEED ME I WILL BE CRYING MYSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. 

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE I AM STILL STRUGGLING WITH THIS READER RESPONSE PAPER. I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO COME EASILY BECAUSE I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE AS MUCH ABOUT MY WRITING AT THIS POINT IN THE SEMESTER, BUT ALAS. READER RESPONSE IS NOT MY WORST (that was definitely the summary & evaluation assignment) BUT IT IS A CLOSE SECOND. 

I AM SO UPSET THERE IS NO MUSIC THAT RELATES TO MY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW. INSTEAD, ENJOY THIS TEN HOUR PRODUCTION OF PEOPLE SCREAMING. THANKS FOR NOTHING, WORDPRESS. BYE. 

Blog Post #17 : Que Será, Será

I really do not know what I am doing over here. The more I look into what Reader Response is, the more confused I get. Even more so, I have no idea what text to work with. I have written the majority of my papers for this class on works by Kate Chopin. I liked The Awakening before rereading it several times this semester through different critical lenses and then writing papers on the book. At the present, I would be okay never reading any of Chopin’s work for the rest of my life. Yes, I could write on the Turn of the Screw, but if you remember from earlier blog posts, I could not stand the book. It would be impossible to write anything of value on a book that I despise.

So here I am, stuck in phase one of writing this paper. I tried to start this paper several times, I just always get stuck. Therefore, unable to push through and write ANYTHING, I forfeited the right to comments on my paper and will just be uploading the paper right to the process portfolio on this website. Oh well. Que Será, Será. Whatever will, be will be.

Blog Post #16 : Who Am I?

Who am I? I spent part of today revising my New Historical paper. My works cited page is over a page long and I honestly am questioning the identity of who even wrote this paper because it is also 6.5 pages long. But it is all me (except for the appropriately cited sources). I am not usually the person to pump out “long” papers (I am fully aware that 6 pages in not long in the world of English papers but it is long for me). The paper is still a little bit all over the place, but I do believe I have added substantial quotes that helped solidify the ideas and hone in on the focus. At times the paper was labeled as being too general, but I cannot bring myself to change these parts. What one reader may view as too general, I think it needs to be as is more so as an explanation.

Revision in general has been a tricky process, especially to write more than one revision on a paper. I have always been a *brace yourself* one and done writer. I never found it beneficial to revise. As it is said in Les Miserables “Why should I right this wrong when I have come so far and struggled for so long.” Over the course of this semester, I have righted my wrong of not revising papers and as a result I have come so far and struggled for so long (almost 15 weeks to be exact). As stated in previous blogs, I am nowhere near perfect when it comes to my writing, but the hard work and time I have put into these papers and revisions this semester have helped me improve.

As a future teacher, it is important that my students learn perseverance and that they have a growth mindset. Although it is hard to be positive when you are putting in so much time and effort into something that will seemingly never be finished, it is all the more important to stick to it in order to improve.

Blog Post #15 : HELP!

Update from previous post: HELP!

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed over here. I have only one paper left to write (my reader response) and I have no clue where to start. I do not know what text to use or what angle I want to take. This paper will inevitably be written last minute, probably Sunday night after I get done with work at 7pm. I do not even want to think about this paper, but it has to be done. I am almost there. I just have to make it through the next week and a half and then I am free of the burdens of this class and this website will live happily on the internet, never to be looked at again, before it will be deleted by the college within the next year since I am graduating in May.

It seems a bit foolish to be putting so much time and effort into this website that after final grades are put in, it will cease to have any value. As a non-english major or minor, I have no one looking for or even interested in my writing as a college student after this class. Reader response critics examine the kinds of readers various texts seem to imply. The kind of reader that this website implies is an English professor or student. With that being said, I feel like I am being heavily judged on everything contained on this website with the preconceived notion that I should know what I am doing and that I should produce quality work, however I cannot help but feel unsatisfied with my work. I have done my best, but because of the individuals reading my papers, it might appear as though I am producing garbage. Everyone knows the saying “one man’s trash is another one’s treasure.” In the case of my writing it is almost a reversal as I treasure it and am proud of it, however someone with more expertise may view it as trash.

What I need the most help with at this point in the semester is time, something that I really do not have. I suppose I also need help understanding that my work is of value. I do not know if I will come to accept the aforementioned as being fully true by the time this course comes to a close, however I can work on creating a classroom environment that not only encourages my students to take pride in their work, but also connect the why. Why are we writing this? What purpose does this paper have? These are both very important questions that I have been grappling with as a student over the entirety of the semester. As a future English as a Second Language teacher, I need to explicitly present those questions and make it a point to follow through and answer the same questions by the time my students leave me.

Blog Post #14 : Fixing a Hole

There is only two weeks left of the semester which means there is only two weeks left to finalize papers and finish organizing this website. I definitely relate to Chandra (pictured left) at this point in time. This is a time of panic and finding time for things that you really do not have time for (which usually means giving up precious sleep time). Oh well. That is the life of a college student.

I need to be efficient in the coming weeks. Most of all I need to be focused on the tasks at hand. I have written my to-do list for the remainder of the semester and quite honestly the majority of the list is taken up by tasks for this class. I do not know how I feel about that. I am putting so much time and effort into this class and it does not even pertain to my major.

Today I turned in a revision for my Psychoanalytic paper and received back comments on my New Historical paper. The assignment has also been handed out today for our final paper, the Reader Response. The goal is to revise my feminist paper one more time for Wednesday, turn in my Reader Response paper on Friday, and revise my New Historical paper for next week Monday. I just have to find the time among last minute meetings and work. My brain is going a thousand miles a minute and I feel like the Beatles “fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering where it will go” which is basically saying that my thoughts are jumbled and sometime soon I need to also untangle those so I can produce the best possible work over the next couple of weeks.

The end of the semester is often overwhelming in any college class, but in this class more than any I feel rushed to finish hundreds of tasks in a short amount of time. This is perhaps the most stressed I have felt about this class. Oh well. Hopefully I can keep my mind from wandering.

Blog Post #13 : Almost There

I turned in the first draft of my New Historical paper. It went okay. It is not my best work, but that is alright since it is only the first draft. It is quite choppy and I am not sure if my ideas flow together as well as they should. One of my English teachers in high school told me I could be a good writer if I could just organize my thoughts. This is something I still struggle with. I have all these ideas, it is just hard for me to weave them together and puke them out onto the page in a coherent fashion. With the first draft of this paper being turned in, however, I am reminded of how little time is left of the semester. I’m almost there. Almost there. The end is in sight.

Shouldn’t I be relieved that I am almost done with this class and college classes as a whole? I wish I were, but there is just so much to be done yet in the remaining 2.5 weeks. I always knew I would get to this ending point someday, but I never expected it to come so soon. Almost there. Almost there.

Blog Post #12 : Better Now

For our New Historical papers we were encouraged to go back and use apaper that we have already written and then add to them from a New Historical lense. This being said, I decided to go way back to a paper I wrote my senior year of high school and use it as the jumping off point for this paper. I have changed immensely since my time as a Galloping Ghost and it was rather obvious in revisiting this paper.

My senior year of high school I took a CAPP english class for college credit through UW Oshkosh. We read various novels and similar to this class wrote papers through specific literary lenses. I wrote about Kate Chopin’s The Awakening and Edna’s identity. Through various editing mistakes (I repeated the same word twice more than once), choppy sentences, and stand alone quotes, I was able to see how much I have truly grown as a writer during my four years at St. Norbert College. I am quite embarrassed that I got such a good grade on the paper considering it was a class that I was taking for college credit. I even went and messaged my high school teacher and thanked him for all the terrible papers he has had to put up with over the years. His response is something that will stick with me as a future educator. He reminded me that the paper is not as bad as I think it is and that it is an important part of who I am as a writer as it shows my improvement. I am lucky enough to live in an age where I can go back and look at all of my papers from high school and college online in my google drive. I can look back and reflect on how far I have come and that is truly an amazing thing. I know I am not the best writer in the world but I have proof that I am better than I once was. I would hope that I can pass this onto my future students. I want to encourage them to keep their papers year after year, even if they just keep their papers from September and compare them to what they are writing in June. The physical proof that a writer can and will improve is inspiring.

After having this conversation with my former teacher, I went back and read through the paper from April of 2015 and was able to pick out some sentences of genius. While nowhere near perfect, there was something of value in this paper. For that very reason, I am able to take my research from 3.5 years ago and expand upon it. The proposal/outline I wrote for this paper was perhaps the easiest outline I have ever written. It is almost as if I am picking up the paper and revising years later. There is a lot of rearranging that needs to happen and even more topics to be added, but it all seems worth it and I am actually a little bit excited to begin writing this paper.

Post Malone poses the question “You probably think you are better now” and to that I respond with a resounding OF COURSE. We as human beings are always improving, always getting better. Even as a non-english major/minor I have improved immensely in my writing. If I can get better, anyone can.

Blog Post #11 : Perfect

Last week I got back the first draft of my feminist paper. Overall the feedback I took away was that I needed more of the short story to support my claims. This is surprising to me because in previous papers I needed less summary, and I thought that I had fixed that with this paper, but apparently no. I guess I need to work on finding the right amount of summary–not too little, not too much. This is a good goal moving forward and something I will continue to work toward reaching that sweet spot.

This week I got back the first draft of my psychoanalytic paper. I was surprised with the feedback I received in that it was not too harsh. I still need to dive deeper into my thesis and supporting details. I am still a surface level writer. What did surprise me, however, was that my paragraph on women and their animus was the most developed while I thought my paragraph on men and their anima was my best one (when the feedback suggested it needed the most work).

The plan now is to crack down on my revisions. A connection between theis developing my ideas even further. Although I am more than halfway done with writing initial drafts for this class, I still have a lot of work to do.Image result for ed sheeran In relation to Ed Sheeran’s 2017 song Perfect, I need to “just dive right in” to these revisions. This is what I need to do to get these papers as perfect as they can be.

 

 

 

Blog Post #10 : Hay Amores

The time has come to start writing my fourth paper for this class: the psychoanalytic paper. We have been warned that this is perhaps the hardest paper we will write for this class (which after the struggle I had with the summary/evaluation paper I find that hard to believe, but we shall see).

I flipped through our literature anthology to find a short story to work with for this paper since I read The Turn of the Screw and honestly did not care for the book. The first short story that caught my eye was “The Handsomest Drowned Man in the World” (or “El ahogado mas hermoso del mundo”)Image result for gabriel garcia marquezby Gabriel García Márquez. I have studied García Márquez in my spanish classes so I was immediately intrigued. If I learned anything in my spanish literature class it is that much of famous spanish literature has elements of magical realism, and García Márquez did not stray from these themes as a writer. This famous Columbian writer was beloved by many and is one of the most famous authors within the hispanic community. His 2014 death rocked readers from around the world.

What was even more appealing about working with this short story is that I can dust off my spanish skills that haven’t really been utilized since being abroad last fall and look at the original spanish text myself rather than just relying on the translation from the anthology. By using this short story by García Márquez, I am not only using my spanish minor, but I can also draw a clear connection to my English as a Second Language minor (which is the reason I am taking this class) for perhaps the first time this semester. I can see looking at the english and spanish (or english and first language) versions of texts and then writing a paper in english in response with my future ESL students. I am excited to try and write this paper with my minors in mind

I am attempting to write my psychoanalytic on “The Handsomest Drowned Man in the World” in relation to Carl Jung’s theory, more specifically the archetypal forms. I know it is tougher to apply Jung compared to Freud or Lacan, but I am quite honestly over Freud having studied him in developmental psych in high school and in educational psych freshman year and Jung’s theory made more sense to me overall. I am excited to see how these ideas will collide and what kind of paper will be produced as the result.

The song I have chosen for this post is of course in spanish and was inspired by Gabo (as García Márquez’s fans affectionately refer to the beloved writer). Shakira wrote three songs for the movie adaptation of García Marquez’s “Love in the time of Cholera”, including this song “Hay Amores” (There are Loves), which relates to Freud, the father of psychoanalytic theory, as it implies that as humans we are sexual creatures in search of ‘love’.

Blog Post #9 : Sail

I have opened the word document for my summary and evaluation assignment several times, but I cannot bring myself to do anything to revise. The paper is nowhere near perfect, nowhere close to my best work, nowhere close to being an accurate representation of me as a writer. All this being said, I do not even know where to start. I am as lost trying to revise this paper as I was trying to start it in the first place. I think about this assignment and anger bubbles up from the depths of my soul. I look at this paper and tears form in the corners of my eyes. I write and revise this paper by slamming the keys, producing nonsense words and phrases that do not make sense to me or the reader. I want to revise because that’s what a good writer does and I want to pass this class, but I cannot revise. I am utterly lost and so upset by this single paper. I do not have time to waste energy on something that makes me so upset and self-doubting. I am just as lost as to what the purpose of this assignment was and to how it makes me or my future students better writers.Image result for memes about being angry about essay

This assignment has upset me as much as the song “Sail” by AWOLNATION, which I despise which a great passion and change the station everytime it comes on the radio. That being said, I must sail away from this assignment, leaving it and all the anger I have toward it in the past so I can focus on future papers and survive this class without completely destroying my self-esteem as a writer and student. It appears that even if I was not so angered by this assignment, my cat is not going to let me revise anyway. That is enough of a sign for me.