I have opened the word document for my summary and evaluation assignment several times, but I cannot bring myself to do anything to revise. The paper is nowhere near perfect, nowhere close to my best work, nowhere close to being an accurate representation of me as a writer. All this being said, I do not even know where to start. I am as lost trying to revise this paper as I was trying to start it in the first place. I think about this assignment and anger bubbles up from the depths of my soul. I look at this paper and tears form in the corners of my eyes. I write and revise this paper by slamming the keys, producing nonsense words and phrases that do not make sense to me or the reader. I want to revise because that’s what a good writer does and I want to pass this class, but I cannot revise. I am utterly lost and so upset by this single paper. I do not have time to waste energy on something that makes me so upset and self-doubting. I am just as lost as to what the purpose of this assignment was and to how it makes me or my future students better writers.
This assignment has upset me as much as the song “Sail” by AWOLNATION, which I despise which a great passion and change the station everytime it comes on the radio. That being said, I must sail away from this assignment, leaving it and all the anger I have toward it in the past so I can focus on future papers and survive this class without completely destroying my self-esteem as a writer and student. It appears that even if I was not so angered by this assignment, my cat is not going to let me revise anyway. That is enough of a sign for me.
I have just ‘finished’ my draft of the summary and evaluation assignment. It is quite possibly the worst paper I have written while in college. But there is not much I can do about it. You see, the articles in which I was to write about were very [insert favorite expletive here] dry and boring. I found it hard enough to read the articles, let along write about them.
Also, I still have no clue what the purpose was of this assignment. As John Mulaney says in his comedy special The Comeback Kid “I don’t know. I know you told me. But I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.” While Mr. Mulaney is referencing elementary school aged kids in this particular bit, I relate wholeheartedly after this assignment. I truly do not know and not knowing is stressful. This assignment has broken me to the point of not caring. At this point, I do not even know if I will be able to return to this paper to revise. I think it is a lost cause and my time and energy will be better spent on another paper that I actually get what it is I am supposed to be doing with.
Paul McCartney’s 2018 release I Don’t Know states, “What am I doing wrong, I don’t know.” This. This is how I am feeling right now about this paper and this class as a whole. It is only the beginning of week 5, however, and there is still revising and 4 more assignments. Hopefully things will get better and maybe they will if I just get some sleep.
Avicii’s 2013 song Wake Me Up resonates with me at this current moment as “I can’t tell where the journey will end, but I know where to start.” The only difference between me and the lyrics of this song is that I do not know where to start. If I am being completely honest, I have really put off writing this paper. Not entirely on purpose, however. Life was just really busy this week and the articles that I needed to read to write the paper are quite dry and hard to stay awake and read, even after a full night’s rest (which was hard to come by this week). Coffee has been my best friend this week. Boring literary theory articles my enemies. All this being said, I still can’t find the motivation in me to write anything of value. I have little confidence in this assignment being ‘good’ by any standards. I’ve read through the instructions several times and I am still not comprehending 100% what I am supposed to be doing for the summary and evaluation portions of the assignment. I need about two weeks of hibernation to try and make sense of the articles and of my own writing. Even with an outline (my strong feelings against prewriting are still prevalent), I am unable to write anything of value, which is quite ironic (not necessarily in the Alanis Morissette way) because much of Eagleton’s argument surrounds the idea of literature being based on a system of values. If only that could be used as a basis for my summary or evaluation. I am at more of a loss than I was for my first paper in this class. This is not looking well for the trajectory of the semester.
So on that note, wake me up when it’s all over. When I’m wiser and I’m older. Until then I’ll be having nightmares about how terrible my writing is in this paper and how much of it I have yet to do with oh so little time to do any of it.
Today we got back comments on our initial drafts of our close reading papers. All of the comments made sense and were not over my head in terms of being too difficult. Now I am trying to figure out how to adapt my writing to better fit the mold, taking the comments into consideration.
We were also assigned our next paper–a summary assignment. I am struggling to see how this assignment is relevant to me as a future educator. Since I am failing to find a purpose, this assignment is really hard to start. It feels as though this is just busy work, which I despise.
Overall I am frustrated with this class. I am growing more and more doubtful of how applicable this class is to my future, let alone my Elementary Education major and Spanish and ESL minors. I am taking this class as a substitution for my ESL minor, but I feel like I am learning nothing that connects to it. I feel like I am wasting my time and money with this class developing skills that do not need to be developed in my last semester of college classes. I am not an English major/minor (for a very good reason) and as an English class this is catered to such individuals. I definitely believe that whoever chooses what courses are needed for what majors/minors should reevaluate the inclusion of this class within the English as a Second Language minor.
In her 2008 song, So What, P!nk sings, “So what, I am a rockstar.” To this I respond : So what. I am an Ed Major.